Women

[Hoofhurr]

This subject has never really been broached here on The Purge but I need a third opinion; and I'll risk going to a group of like minded geeks to basically hear my own opinion voiced back to me. Maybe that's what I need at the moment since my girl-friends that I've asked advice from don't seem to get it as a result of being dead-guilty themselves.

Does it annoy you or should it annoy me when 'the female' makes a casual commitment to hang out at a certain point but when that point arrives she's made other plans? This disease seems to be pervasive among many women and aggravates me endlessly. I know I'm thinking about this too logically but if someone makes plans and then breaks them they either a) aren't aware they are doing it or are forgetful, b) simply have a habit of over-committing themselves c) are fully aware of it and are fucking with you, or d) simply, and perhaps most hurtfully, aren't prioritizing you as highly as their other activities.

In my particular case I think choice (a) is the most appropriate but when I get 'snubbed' repeatedly I begin to wonder if choice (d) isn't more appropriate. She's definitely someone who has a fairly unstructured approach to life and goes with the flow a good deal. This is fine with me most of the time because I can go on living my highly structured life and interact with her when our schedules overlap, but the real issue for me is that I feel I rearrange my schedule when she says shit like 'I would love to see you after your basketball game.' and then when that time arrives she's out partying with her friends.

No, I don't think she's cheating on me and I believe without question that she is doing what she claims she is doing. The focus here should be exclusively on this annoying personality trait and if it annoys you. If it does annoy you have you ever successfully managed a relationship with a person possessing that trait? BTW I wouldn't mind if she broke plans because she had to work late or a friend needed help etc, but if you are breaking plans to go party on a Tuesday night wtf is that about?

I'm trying to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

Signed,
Pissed off and annoyed.

p.s. I guess this isn't entirely a female trait. Everyone has or has had the friend that says he'll show up but only manages to show up 50% of the time. But he's a dude and you come to accept and expect it. This is unacceptable behavior in someone you might be with everyday until the end of days.

[Slamz]

I know the type. I believe the MO is that they MUST have entertainment lined up for every hour of every day, as their worst fear is for something to fall through that leaves them bored and alone at 7pm on a Tuesday. So they'll overlap entertainment plans so that if anything falls through, it's falling through for someone else, not them.

So basically I think "b" is the common one, with "d" twisting the knife. They overbook and then given a choice between a party with friends or you, they'll go to the party. I think it's just a typical phase where "boyfriend" takes a back seat to "parties with friends" (or perhaps more specifically, "things which are not immediate, superficial fun" takes a backseat to "things which are"). All the girls I know who are like this are either single or rotate through boyfriends because when it comes right down to it, they aren't as interested in a dating commitment as they are in nights out with the girls, flirting, etc. You can keep on keepin' on in the hopes she'll drop out of that phase but honestly, it can go on for years. Some girls will get tired of the party scene after a few months, others never seem to tire of it. (In my experience it's somewhat seasonal too. They'll be like this for the summer when it's nice out at night then go back to normal in the winter.)

You just need to find someone who's more interested in dating than partying. Either that or you need to become Mr. Happy FunTime Party Dude so that you're always the most exciting thing on their clingy, ADD inspired list.

But I think Klingon Commander Kruge said it best: "GET OUT!! GET OUT OF THERE!! GET OUT!!"

[Breand]

I would dump her. It's not worth it. Plenty of other fish in the sea. I got dumped once in high school and from that point on swore I would never put myself in a position where a woman would have control over me, and since then it never happened and I had an awesome time, dating lots of different women, and yes a lot of satisfaction looking at the shock on their face when I would insta-dump them for trying to pull some sort of control crap on me. Yes Im kind of a dick about it, but it worked very well for me. Of course I say all that with the understanding that it is not possible for all men.

[Hoofhurr]

Yeah the problem is she's in school and a waitress and she's 26. I'm working over-time and trying to get into grad school. She gets off work at exactly the time I want to be asleep by so that I can be up 6-7 hours later and not be dead tired for work. When I type this out reality starts to sink in. So the question is do I continue to sleep with her because she's hot or do I end it now and hope something better comes along? :lol: I'm not really that type but damn. She's really a distraction from my goals at this point. I've extended my party life well passed the point of reason and really need to be career focused now.

[Breand]

I would sleep with her still if you want to, but ignore the relationship aspect of it, or any other aspect that would negatively affect your life. Ive broken up with women before and still slept with them, until I got serious with someone else.

[Vanraw]

I would say "casual" appointment is the key word. I wouldn't fret on if she isn't prioritizing you, but the activity. Ask you self a question. If it was an important event / date for you and she knew that, would she be there for you? Would you be there for her?

Next question. Are you with her cause she is "hot" or because you like being with her?

[Hoofhurr]

Next question. Are you with her cause she is "hot" or because you like being with her?

I enjoy being with her because I like many aspects of her personality and she's hot. I just think she's lounging in the life phase I'm trying to graduate from. I can't deny her what I didn't deny myself, I just can't be involved with it to that degree anymore. Hey I enjoy going on a Friday night bender with the best of them but during the week? No sir.

Yes it was a casual appointment and we didn't even really lock down a particular activity. Part of the problem definitely is that I feel like I anticipated seeing her more than she obviously did. I refuse to be that guy.

[Breand]

I know exactly where youre coming from. I got so sick of being 24-25, having a professional work thing going, and always dating women who were perennial students living at home with Mom and Dad. When I first hooked up with me wife, one of the main things I was attracted to was that she was a business manager making great money and had her own apartment. I felt like I was finally dating someone with real goals in life.

[Thudz]

Do what makes you happy Bro.

[1000xZero]

Here is my opinion and advice.

She is fucking with you.

Whether this is intentional or not does not matter. It is not a scheduling conflict.

She is not compatible with you and probably vice versa. Neither one of you is a bad person because of it.

As hard as it may feel/be, just drop her like a hot stone and don't look back. You'll both be better for it.

This is coming from someone who has been it that situation more than once and can see the signs of it a mile away.

[Snowreap]

Yes it was a casual appointment and we didn't even really lock down a particular activity. Part of the problem definitely is that I feel like I anticipated seeing her more than she obviously did. I refuse to be that guy.

you're a busy guy, with a fairly rigid schedule. you didn't just anticipate seeing her, you anticipated seeing her at a specific time that you made room in your schedule for.

she might have anticipated seeing you just as much, but if her life is less structured she could very well have not realized that, on that day at least, it was "now or never" because while she was free to see you afterwards, your schedule wasn't as flexible. from her perspective, she might be bumming right now because you clearly think more of your schedule than you think of her. what does it say about her that you think getting to bed on time is more important than spending time with her?

yes, I know that was a horrible way to phrase it. but coming up with horrible ways to look at something is a useful way to figure out what the hell that other person was thinking.

-ken

[Diggles]

Slamz nailed it. If you havent told her that it extremely bothers you already, I'd tell her and or based on her reaction, most likely Das Boot.

There are plenty of other hot mentally unstable women that would die to have time with you.

[Hoofhurr]

what does it say about her that you think getting to bed on time is more important than spending time with her?

-ken

That's the thing. I've never done that, said that, or even mentioned the slightest hint of that despite wanting to on several occasions. I always make an effort to go see her if I said I was going to even if I busted my ass all day and want nothing more than to close my eyes. That's just who I am. If I say I'm going to do something I'll do it even to my own personal detriment. I expect the same from other people. I know this is unrealistic but that's how I was raised and despite suffering through repeated experiences to the contrary I can't seem to retrain myself to expect less from other people.

[Diggles]

You cant blame her if you dont at least sit her down and tell her once.

[Hoofhurr]

Oh I agree. I let the first two times slip but after last night it is definitely time to raise the subject. I just wanted to see if I was missing the bigger picture. Clearly I'm not.

Plus these boards needed an interesting topic for the day. Any women want to chime in on this? Star? Chainey? =D

[Rallick]

Yeah the problem is she's in school and a waitress and she's 26

The red flags I see there is two fold. She's in school (party atmosphere) and waitress (service industry is party atmosphere). She's probably still trying to live out her early 20's and has no interest in settling down at all. If you can wait it out till she's done school and settles in to a job then fine...but if it was me...I wouldn't trust that nothing would/will happen at some point.

[Ulfen]

If your schedule is as structured as you say it is I wouldn't rearrange anything for her unless you commit to doing something specific. If she still flakes out on you after specific plans I wouldn't spend another minute with her. Phrases like "I would love to see you after your basketball game" are noncommittal for a woman, you can ask 10 different women what it means and probably get 10 different answers. You might want to distance yourself from the situation a bit and see how she reacts, if she just continues on "business as usual" without much reaction to not spending as much time with you than you may also get your answer.

[Snowreap]

what does it say about her that you think getting to bed on time is more important than spending time with her?

-ken

That's the thing. I've never done that, said that, or even mentioned the slightest hint of that despite wanting to on several occasions. I always make an effort to go see her if I said I was going to even if I busted my ass all day and want nothing more than to close my eyes. That's just who I am. If I say I'm going to do something I'll do it even to my own personal detriment. I expect the same from other people. I know this is unrealistic but that's how I was raised and despite suffering through repeated experiences to the contrary I can't seem to retrain myself to expect less from other people.

what you do and what you think are two different things. what does it say about her (and about how you feel about her) that what you do and what you think are different? when you stay up late to see her, is it because you want to, or because you feel you have to? is seeing her under those circumstances a joy or a chore?

regardless of all that, I do see your point. you will accept significant disruption to your life to see her, and you don't get the sense that she's similarly willing to disrupt her own life for you. that is, you feel like you are making a commitment to her, and you want some reassurance that she is also making a commitment to you.

you won't get that reassurance from us, I think. you'll have to talk to her about it. but isn't it usually the girl who wants to talk about the relationship, and commitment, while the guy tries to avoid it? this could be awkward.

-ken

[Kakarat]

ya see, what you have to do it do a naked photo shoot of her and post her pictures all over the internet.
Then dump her.

yaya, I'm not giving you an explanation, but it would be damned cool. Then you can email her the links of the photos.

haha, another thing, don't take advice from a single father...

anyways, this movie opened up a whole new incite for dating, i recommend watching it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508/

[Hoofhurr]

Exactly. If I bring the subject up, she owns me. :lol: So I've hesitated until now.

My player friends would say if I bring this subject up then I obviously care about it more than she does and as soon as that becomes clear to her she loses interest and it's game over. I generally don't follow those guidelines but we know it's true.

[Kakarat]

check my edit hoof

[Thudz]

Hoof, unless she's "the one" then I say any effort put into the relationship to work things out is wasted effort. If you don't know if she's "the one" then she isn't.

FWIW I've been married to my wife for 10 1/2 years.

[Slamz]

The big problem IMO is whether or not someone follows through with what they say. If I say I'm going to meet someone, even just to sit and have coffee, it means I'm going to do my best to keep my schedule clear for that event.

Sure, sometimes plans change, sometimes you lose track of the time, but ditching someone at the last minute for frivolous reasons is inconsiderate, and not a good way to maintain friendships of any sort.




Plus, obviously this reveals that you would never be able to rely on her to attend a raid on time, and if she can't be relied on for future Purge raids, well really, what's the point?

[Kakarat]

Would you drive 5 hours to be with her for 1? and on the reverse.
Would she drive 5 hours to be with you for 1?

That is something that really does mean a lot to someone.

[Slamz]

Would you drive 5 hours to be with her for 1? and on the reverse.
Would she drive 5 hours to be with you for 1?

If anyone answers "yes" to that, I would hope that they are already married.

Cause otherwise that is crazy talk.